Trauma & Art

Relational trauma and healing   (Part Two)

On a branch / floating downriver / a cricket, singing Kobayashi Issa

Edited

Nowadays the term narcissistic is thrown loosely mostly referring to self-absorption and a deficit of empathy, but this reduces it to more common characteristics or defenses that we may all have or resort to on certain occasions or when we are under duress,  to one extent or another. As with all clusters of traits and states it is a matter of intensity and frequency.  I would also like to add that people are always much more than their labels or dominant way of being in the world, so I think referring to people with high and toxic levels of narcissistic traits is perhaps a better way of describing them because  everyone is more than their dysfunction or defenses, even though malignant narcissism is highly destructive and dangerous for people on the receiving end.  Shahiba Arabi believes “while narcissism does exist on a spectrum, narcissism as a full-fledged personality disorder is quite different. People who meet the criteria……… can operate in extremely manipulative ways within the context of intimate relationships due to their deceitfulness, lack of empathy, and their tendency to be interpersonally exploitative.”

Her  books. Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself , is focused on this type of chronic abusive behaviour, where highly narcissistic people engage in chronic manipulation and devaluation of other people, leaving them feeling worthless, anxious and even suicidal. This type of chronic manipulation, includes as Arabi describes “idealization-devaluation-discard abuse cycles” and is known as narcissistic abuse. It can leave psychological and emotional scars that can last a lifetime, can cause financial and career losses, and lead to isolation, physical illness, as well as, PTSD symptomatology or Complex PTSD. The five basic pillars of attachment are a sense of felt safety, attunement (a sense of being seen and known), soothing (the experience of felt comfort), and expressed delight, which is a sense of being valued, and a sense of support for being and becoming one’s unique and best self. Dr Dan Siegel refers to the 4Ss of secure attachment, which include been seen, been soothed, feeling safe and secure. In any relationship with a person high on the spectrum of narcissistic traits some or all of these areas will suffer.

Arabi clarifies that people high on the spectrum or malignant narcissists “don’t outright destroy you in the way physically abusive partners may do – they plant the very seeds in your mind that will lead you to your own destruction. They will cultivate doubts that never existed, manufacture insecurities that were never present, rub salt on the wounds they know you don’t want opened …. They also rewrite the abuse they’ve inflicted, making you look like you’re the abuser.” Her emphasis is on abusive partners, but these kind of toxic experiences can be played out in all sorts of relational contexts and dynamics: among parents and children, siblings, friends, colleagues, employers and employees, teachers and students, health providers and patients, lawyers and clients, in political and religious settings and many other contexts.

She highlights some common toxic behaviors, which she says are only some of what one might encounter. I refer to some of these below:

One kind of toxic behaviour is being chronically and overly critical and controlling  towards their partners, often covertly, but also, overtly putting them down through cruel behaviors that are employed to isolate and demean them. They demonstrate contempt for others as a way to experience power over and a false sense of superiority. She writes: “Manufacturing hostile or aggressive situations where the victim is led to emotional distress, especially, through what Kohut (1972, cited in Arabi, 2016) calls “narcissistic rage” over seemingly small or irrelevant things. The abuser creates an environment where the victim feels trapped, controlled, and limited in what he or she can say or do. Engaging in hot and cold behavior that switches quickly between a loving persona and an abusive one. This is an abuse cycle known as idealization, devaluation and discard. It includes treating the victim cold and callously for no apparent reason, only to return to loving, affectionate behavior through a technique called intermittent reinforcement…..  Controlling every aspect of their partner’s life to the point where they isolate them from family and friends; this includes sabotaging the victim’s friendships, familial relationships, important life events or their goals and aspirations.”

Triangulation is another erosive strategy used extensively, which can include ex-partners, colleagues, clients, one’s friends, siblings or other family members, neighbours, health practitioners, authority figures, and even strangers.  Through lying, deceit and comparison they succeed in instilling a sense of worthlessness and maintaining control over a person’s emotions and life. When this strategy is used intentionally and often enough it can wreak havoc, distort one’s perception of reality and most importantly distract from important issues and relational dynamics.  Triangulation feeds a high on the spectrum narcissist’s addictive need for constant attention from multiple people, as well as, their victim’s emotional distress in response to the triangulation. Triangulation consists of bringing the presence of literally any other person into the dynamic of a relationship, because of the narcissist’s needs for control over someone and for constant attention and energy from other people, and it can take place in person, over social media and even through verbal accounts of other people. Healthier relationships thrive on security; unhealthy ones are filled with provocation and uncertainty. Arabi writes: “Narcissists like to manufacture love triangles and bring in the opinions of others to validate their point of view. They do this to an excessive extent in order to play puppeteer to your emotions……Triangulation is the way the narcissist maintains control and keeps you in check — you’re so busy competing for his or her attention that you’re less likely to be focusing on the red flags within the relationship…..”

Gaslighting their partners and other people into believing that toxic behaviours or manipulation or their reality isn’t real by denying, minimizing or rationalizing. Gaslighting is used to convince a person that their perception of what is going on or of reality is inaccurate. This can be done through deflecting any conversations about accountability by using circular conversations or rage, for instance,. Sometimes it may seem that they have selective amnesia of  events and experiences, and they will lie, deny or distort facts and blameshift. Arabi writes; “This allows them to escape accountability, but it’s also a type of crazymaking that enables the abuser to rewrite reality for you and control your reality. In an abusive relationship with a narcissist, you are no longer the owner of your perception – you are a slave to the narcissist’s projections and reshaping of your own perception.”

Another highly destructive practice that malignant narcissists engage in is subjecting their partner or another person to smear campaigns in order to slander their character and reputation so that he/she is left without a support network. This also includes blame shifting and projecting their malignant traits onto their partners or other targeted individuals. Arabi writes:  “…. during conversations while using a false charismatic self to make their victims look like the “crazy” ones. It’s almost as if they hand off their own traits and shortcomings to their victims as if to say, “Here, take my pathology. I don’t want it.” People high on this spectrum of traits need constant validation and admiration from multiple sources and they tend to create  networks, which are referred to as “harems and flying monkeys”. Arabi writes: “A harem is a group of people the narcissist has gathered around himself to validate his opinions, cater to their constant need for attention, and stroke their ego. This is why they are clever chameleons who are also people-pleasers, morphing into whatever personality suits them in situations with different types of people to get what they want – supply. Think of the story of the emperor’s new clothes – the victim will often be the only one telling the narcissist he is a naked fool, which will cause a narcissistic injury, rage and denial. The harem wouldn’t dare because these members are too loyal to the narcissist’s false self….”, which is the armor and construct of positive qualities and traits that he or she usually presents to the outside world.

Tactics like smearing campaigns and gaslighting facilitate the creation of these networks. Arabi says that these networks often consist of other people high on the narcissistic spectrum, as well as, people-pleasers and empaths. But they could also be people whose belief systems or life styles differ from those of the victim. Through Othering a person one can more easily create an audience and gather people around them, and also, control, silence or scapegoat the targeted individual. In some sense through Othering, an ingroup experience and a sense of false belonging is created, which can then lead people to feel entitled to inflict micro-aggressions or other forms of  harm on the targeted individual.  In an older post (8 / 9 / 2020) on racism and macro and micro aggressions I discussed how frequent microaggressions have many cumulative effects in people’s lives and impact mental and physical health. In that post I had written that “Through reading Levchak’s book it is easy to see that the tactics and strategies that comprise racist microaggressions are not very different from aggressions committed against any individual or group of people where colour or ‘race’ is not necessarily a variable. Apart from the examples of micro-aggressions and lack of civility mentioned above, other actions mentioned in the research findings include……..gaslighting. Gaslighting is commonly used as a tactic to make targets question their own sanity and perception of an event or experience and also keep quiet.” Being on the receiving end of a smearing campaign and frequent gaslighting brings about similar consequences.

Another common response when someone brings up concerns about the relationship or any subject which is considered off limits or a plea for honesty, is stonewalling, which is a kind of silent treatment and discourages any meaningful communication, distracts from the salient issue, and also, reinforces silence.  Stonewalling may involve abruptly ending arguments, subjecting a person  to the silent treatment, invalidating their emotions and controlling their reactions. It involves ending a discussion before it’s even begun through particular phrases, through leaving or retreating into silence. This kind of behaviour creates a sense of chronic insecurity and causes one to walk on eggshells, and doubt oneself. It makes one prone to cognitive dissonance and leads to denial and minimizing one’s experience, as well as emotional distress or meltdown.

At this point I would like to briefly refer to the Still Face study (there are several videos available on YouTube) initially developed in the 1970s by Dr Ed Tronick, which shows our inherent human need for connection and attunement from very early on, and also, how caregivers’ responses affect infants’ development. In this experiment once the still face part of the experiment begins the baby at first looks confused, but she tries desperately to initiate a response from her mother. Eventually, she begins crying and then screeching. In this and other YouTube videos babies often lose postural control or they start hurting themselves, which reflects the levels of discomfort and distress they are experiencing. The baby can also become withdrawn and shut down. It is actually quite distressing to watch the infants’ dysregulation and physical collapse. Of course, there are bound to be moments when parents are busy or non responsive, but when no repair takes place and when this is chronic then it becomes traumatic and it impacts the child’s development

In the short video at: https://psychhelp.com.au/what-does-the-still-face-experiment-teach-us-about-connection/ Dr Sue Johnson and Dr Ed Tronick comment on how there are certain common stages and reactions that occur in humans of all ages when it comes to our seeking emotional connection. We see how the same thing plays out both in the mother-infant interactions and in adult romantic relationships. In the second part of this video one partner is not responding emotionally and is not displaying connection, and like the baby in the first part of the video, the other partner is desperately attempting to engage with him emotionally. We witness her meltdown as he is unable or unwilling to respond and connect. We understand that from the cradle all the way into our adulthood we are vulnerable to the emotional and non emotional responses of those close to us.

More on this topic and book in the next post.

Home

“…Ας αρχίσει λίγο να φυσάει, Να μυρίσει πάλι θάλασσα. Κι ας μας πάρει τους αδύναμους, Τους άρριζους μακριά. Ας μας στείλει σ’ άλλα μέρη – Απάτητα κι αμάθητα. Χορτάσαμε από ψέματα. Χορτάσαμε από ψέματα. Η γη είναι μεγάλη. Ας μας πάρει από δώ, Κι ας χαρούν τ’ αεράκι άλλοι….”  (Τραγούδι της Νατάσας Μποφίλιου / Στίχοι: Γεράσιμου Ευαγγελάτου)

Home is one of those words that can conjure up diverse emotions and sensations, ideas, images and metaphors. Just by writing the word on a sheet of paper and then jotting down what comes to mind generates a rich list of ideas and emotions. In his paper: Homelessness and the Meaning of Home: Rooflessness or Rootlessness? Peter Somerville writes that “Home can be argued to have at least six or seven dimensions of meaning, identified by the ‘key signifiers’ of shelter, hearth, heart, privacy, roots, abode and (possibly) paradise {ideal home}…….. Home as shelter connotes the material form of home, in terms of a physical structure which affords protection to oneself, and which appears to others as at least a roof over one’s head. Home as hearth connotes the warmth and cosiness which home provides to the body, causing one to relax in comfort and ensuring a welcoming and ‘homely’ atmosphere for others. Home as heart is very similar, but in this case the emphasis is on emotional rather than physiological security and health, with associated images of a happy home and a stable home, based on relations of mutual affection and support. Home as privacy involves the power to ‘control one’s own boundaries’ (Ryan, 1983), and this means the possession of a certain territory with the power to exclude other persons from that territory and to prohibit surveillance of the territory by other persons……” Home can be perceived differently depending on personal experiences and sociocultural context and can bring up diverse material for different people, but however, we define home, there seems to be a more common longing for home in all of us. Maya Angelou writes “The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” This longing probably lives in all of us even those who may not have had the experience of home. Peter Somerville writes that “people may have a sense of home even though they have no experience or memory of it.”

Most of us crave home to such an extent that probably more than ever before, we invest heavily in our material homes, at least, in more affluent societies, and yet, many people feel a fundamental insecurity. In a psychoanalytically informed article I was reading a little while ago it was suggested that this might also have to do with feeling insecure about who we fundamentally are. From a Jungian perspective the home is often a symbol of the self. So, on an unconscious level, our preoccupation with houses might reflect our self or concern about ourselves, and might be part of an effort to feel secure in our own being. We may have an unconscious sense that home is our childhood bedroom or home, which can be preserved in our inner world as if in a time capsule. Or our sense of home, security and belonging might be derived from our physical adult homes and our geographical situatedness, but as vital as our houses and homes are for our survival and well being, our inner sense of home and refuge, and our capacity to abide in our own mental home also supports us to get through the rough. If we can abide or reconnect to this mental space often enough, in some sense, we get to carry a sense of home and rootedness with us wherever we go. How a person reacts to a situation is in part influenced by previous events and circumstances. Our responses are influenced by past and present experiences; however, our levels of resilience and choice can be enhanced when we have a more robust sense of emotional and mental refuge or home

For humans and other mammals, life begins in the maternal womb, which has been suggested as the model for our later homes. It is believed that the earliest homes created by human beings tended to physically resemble wombs. Many animals also create womb-like burrows. In many myths and stories action centres around the journey back home.  Our physical homes might be the place where we can stretch our legs at the end of the day with a cup of tea and it might be the smell of homemade food and freshly washed clothes on the washing line. It might be our children’s artwork on the wall or memories of meals with family and friends. But any disruption of this physical sense of security and home requires we ground ourselves in a deeper, more stable and ever flowing sense of inner refuge that we can derive from our mere beingness and living essence. We mostly find it in a place of internal stillness. Tara Brach says that in times of great stress, it’s crucial that we have pathways to relax our bodies, quiet our minds, and rest in a calm and steady presence. She suggests that through meditation we can gradually reach a home base of presence where we can find inner refuge that can carry us through difficult times and where we learn to momentarily at least let life be just as it is without dissolving. She refers to this as “reestablishing a friendly presence, relaxing with the breath, relaxing with the life that’s here. Letting everything be just as it is.”

Our sense of security and belonging also has much to do with the sense of feeling connected and valued by others. Research has shown that positive attachment and connection with others, enhances our sense of security, belonging and the felt perception of well-being. Rick Hanson writes that for most of our time on this planet, humans usually spent their lives within a few hundred miles of where they were born, doing the same things every day with the same people, embedded in a culture that changed little from century to century and that “these external factors provided a stable sense of home – but they are largely tattered, even shattered today.” In that sense perhaps the need to grow an internal sense of home as an anchor and refuge amidst the fast economic and social changes and turmoil we live in nowadays is more important than ever.

As one contemplates the word HOME, the lack of it as in homeless and homelessness also arises. Homelessness is associated with poverty, economic hurdles, severe trauma, abuse, lack of affordable housing, and maybe more broadly the absence of a context that provides a basic level of security, comfort, privacy and acceptance, but there are other forms of homelessness like psychological and emotional homelessness. Psychological homelessness may be the result of many interacting factors like chronic stress, social isolation,   diminished community and relationship ties, competition and overwork. The experience of psychological homelessness, which seems rampant in our contemporary societies, may include the experience of painful emotions of alienation, self-deprecating thoughts or feelings of not belonging, which can generate a crisis of identity. Emotional homelessness might be our response to developmental traumas and it might be experienced as the lack of a safe place to be with and to be able to express difficult emotions. This can take place when there has been some sort of disruption to our sense of safety and predictability early on or when there have been difficulties with early attachment to our primary caregivers. Over time our neurophysiology gets primed to fight and flee and if no help arrives to eventually freeze and shut down. We may have learnt to express only positive emotions, and suppression of emotions may have eventually been equaled with survival. Also, culturally, expression of emotions is not often supported or encouraged. Later in adulthood we may dissociate from our feelings or turn our emotions inwards, which can result in a sense of worthlessness or powerlessness, people pleasing behaviours and self sabotage, depletion, physical symptoms and disease; however, our emotions require some form of acknowledgement, processing or expression often within a relational context. If we cannot find a place where it feels safe to integrate our inner experience with our outer life we can feel emotionally homeless. In some sense we need to create a safe home for our emotions to be held, ideally, in relation with a safe other. Initially, going into increased levels of emotional activation might feel overwhelming, so we need to know how to return to a baseline inner resting state within a safe outer environment.

In one of his weekly blogs at https://www.rickhanson.net/be-home/ Rick Hanson uses the term “inner homelessness”.  He discusses how when our body is not hungry, thirsty or in pain, and when the mind is not disturbed by threat, frustration, or rejection, then most people settle into their resting state. He writes: “This is a sustainable equilibrium in which the body refuels and repairs itself and the mind feels peaceful, happy, and loving. I call this the Responsive mode. In a sense, this is our “home base,” our fundamental nature as human beings. On the other hand, when our body or mind are not in a state of equilibrium due to multiple causes then the fight-flight-freeze systems in our body get activated, and related experiences of fear, anger, disappointment, loneliness, shame, and spite occur in the mind. When this experience is chronic stress then the body gets depleted, and the mind gets “frazzled, pressured, prickly, worried, and blue”. Rick Hanson calls it the Reactive mode and says that these two modes of living are the foundation of human nature and we have no choice about the basic human needs they attempt to meet, which are safety, satisfaction, and connection. We have no choice other than to be in one of these two modes and that our responsive mode is our underlying nature….. because that’s where energy is conserved for life, where learning is consolidated and where our pains and traumas are healed.

Growing a sense of “inner home” can heal this sense of psychological homelessness and create a buffer for difficult times. Getting a sense of inhabiting our body through breathing and slow exhalations, through the experience of meditation and through our loving connection to the body feels like a home coming and like a more unshakable belonging. This sense of being home can occur through staying present with our senses, sensations, movements and actions, the context we find ourselves in, our environment all the way out to the planet and even the vast Universe. The sense of simply being might be the underlying essence of feeling at home. This sense of inner home feels like the silence behind our thought chatter and calm stillness and the embracing  of all aspects of oneself with love and compassion. Returning to stillness over time helps stabilize the calm within. It is the sense we have beyond our story, our identifications, our aches, fears, reactions and circumstances. Connecting to this inner sense of safety and unconditional worth also feels like integration each time. In Dan Siegel’s Wheel of Awareness mindfulness metaphor and practice, which I will not go into now, but have referred to in older posts, there is a segment called the hub of awareness. Over time I have noticed that irrespectively of how one is feeling in the present or what one is dealing with, there is this almost surprising and constant sense of a fundamental joy of simply being alive when one is resting here. I cannot say for certain, but as far as I can know at the moment, this might be an expression of our inner experience of being at home within our body and the world. It also seems to be constantly available every time we become still and check in, no matter what may be salient in our life in the moment.

Settling our attention inwards, we arrive a little closer each time to all the parts of who we are and to whatever is salient in the moment. Eventually, as self awareness increases and more integration takes place there is a return to a somewhat familiar sense of being. Through meditation the layers of our past conditioning and accumulated life suffering, which are blocking us from this sense of fundamental okayness slowly fall away. Whenever we are able to settle into ourselves we settle into a feeling of being okay because we are alive. If there are a lot of things going on in our life when we connect with this sense of inner home we come to the realisation that beneath the problems we are still here, still alive and basically okay. It seems that we have this inherent capacity to feel more equanimous despite the things, we may be weathering. To conclude, for many people the word home is associated with some sense of stability and safety, the opposite of feeling “homeless”. We could say that the same experience associated with having a safe and trustworthy physical home applies to our sense of “inner home”, as well. We can cultivate stability and steadiness in our mind and heart. (Tonya Alexandri, Syros, January 6th, 2021)