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Doors and art

“Every now and then one paints a picture that seems to have opened a door and serves as a stepping stone to other things” Pablo Picasso

Today I’m sharing a painting I have been working on over the last two weeks maybe and some extracts from books I have been skimming through during the process.

Doors

“The sense of that fierce will to endure has stayed with me, and I’ve drawn on it many times. Paradoxically, just knowing that I can go there if need be has helped me turn the other cheek in certain situations, in effect using something feral to stay civilized. We are animals, strong and tenacious enough to rise to the top of the food chain. In some approaches to psychology, religion, and child rearing, you’ll find an underlying idea that the primal basement in everyone’s mind is full of smelly, nasty creatures that must be locked away. Sure, we need to regulate ourselves. But we don’t need to fear and shame the wild things inside. Think of a good experience you’ve had of being fierce and strong, perhaps while standing up for someone, moving through wilderness, or handling an emergency. Imagine what it would feel like and how it might help to bring some of that determined intensity into a challenging situation today. Looking back, I see that I’ve often been too tame, too buttoned up. Perhaps you, like me, could benefit from opening a door inside and drawing on something that’s fiercely helpful.”    (From Rick Hanson’s book: Resilient)

“Sometimes it is skillful to nudge thoughts and feelings in a healthier, happier direction. But that only works if we accept our reactions in the first place. Otherwise, our nudging has little traction, and we’re just putting a false face on how we really feel. If we don’t accept what’s true about ourselves, we won’t see it clearly, and if we don’t see it clearly, we’ll be less able to deal with it. The whole self is like a big house, and not accepting all of who you are is like closing up some of its rooms: “Uh-oh, can’t look vulnerable, better shut that door.” “Asking for love made me look like a fool, never again with that, lock it up.” “I make mistakes when I get excited, so that’s it with passion, throw away the key.” What would it be like to open all the doors inside yourself? You can still keep an eye on what lies inside the various rooms, and decide what you act upon or show to the world. Accepting what’s inside yourself gives you more influence over it, not less.” (From Rick Hanson’s book: Resilient)

And art

“First, you need to understand that writing and drawing are natural human endeavors. Trees, apples, sauerkraut jars, cars, tables, lions, dolphins— none of these write or draw. Only human beings do. Even twenty-five thousand years ago, prehistoric mortals left images on the walls of caves deep in the earth. I had the privilege of visiting Peche Merle in Cabrerets, France, walking down many flights of stone stairs into dank, dark grottoes. We turned a corner and behold, two spotted horses etched on the craggy wall. Most moving was the image of a five-fingered human hand pressed above one horse’s back— the artist’s signature, his greeting ringing out through the long lineage of centuries. Hello. I was here. This drawing is a testament.” (From Natalie Goldberg’s book: Living Color: Painting, Writing, and the Bones of Seeing)

“Later Kate said to me on the phone long distance….. it’s fifteen years later and I’m getting something now that he said then. I don’t know if it makes sense but I was working on my book last week and it bloomed in me. He said, ‘Take three disparate objects, you know, like a window, a door, and a can opener, and put them together in a story.’ I suddenly really saw what he was talking about. Everyone wants a piece of a teacher, but you don’t get that piece till years later.” (From Natalie Goldberg’s book: Long Quiet Highway: Waking Up in America)

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A safe spatiotemporal room of your own

 «Πως το λένε εκείνο το σημείο του ορίζοντα που ίσα που διακρίνεται; Το λένε το σημείο που θέλουμε να φτάσουμε. Δηλαδή “στόχος”, “όνειρο”, “προοπτική”, “ελπίδα” , “κουράγιο” Δηλαδή άσε με να ‘χω κάτι στο βάθος του δρόμου, κάτι που να φαίνεται σαν έξοδος. Έστω σαν έξοδος κινδύνου. — Συνηθίσαμε, συνηθίσαμε πολλά πράματα, πάρα πολλά. Συνηθίσαμε και τις άγριες εικόνες, δίπλα μας, γύρω μας, πίσω μας, μπροστά μας, πλάι μας….» Από την μουσική παράσταση “Από τις Ρίζες ως τα Άνθη του καλού”, 2016 με τον Θάνο Ανεστόπουλο

Art has always been both important for me and oppressed within me. It has been of me and at the same time resisted. What I know now is that our inner most desires and talents or those things that press urgently  to become or see the light of day, which are often resisted by us and / or oppressed by others in our environment and society at large, are also our passport to freedom and integration. Unfortunately, they are also the aspects of ourself that are tied to our deepest wounds. And yet they are our ticket to a kind of bittersweet homecoming back to our own self.  As we engage with painting, aspects of our inner world and memories arise and some things sort themselves out within the artistic process.

At this point of time and place if I were to give advice to my much younger self or anyone else I would simply say create a safe room of your own, where you can be creative and expressive, and where you feel free to do so. By creativity I don’t only mean artistic creativity, but all the forms that this inner drive takes for different people. I spent my late teens and twenties reading second wave feminist books and articles. I read Virginia Woolf, Simone de Beauvoir, Angela Davis and many others, I marched in the streets for women’s rights and for a while contributed to a women’s rights magazine, and yet in my personal life I unintentionally let so much of me get lost. It got lost in survival, in busyness, in caretaking, in duty, in being a good girl, in others’ projections of what I was allowed and worthy of doing, and in doing so, I forgot to create a safe room of my own, where I could do what I needed to do without asking for permission and without being apologetic of what I liked to do. Mostly, I failed to safeguard what was mine to begin with. I made choices that then limited my choices. In her book, The Testaments, Margaret Atwood writes: “I made choices, and then, having made them, I had fewer choices.”

In this safe room you need to let go of your perfectionist tendencies, which weren’t even yours to begin with, and others’ intentions for you and ideas of what is suitable or deserving of you. You need to simply do, to practise and learn, maybe on your own initially, until you can build an inner muscle, acquire some learning and can discern the good intentioned others. Do not listen to people who feel entitled to decide who deserves or is worthy of what, who gets to have a piece of the pie, who gets to draw a line or sing a song. These last few weeks here in Greece we have been witnesses to the MeToo movement. Mostly women in the limelight, athletes and actors, have been speaking out about different shades of harassment and abuse in their work environments, but sadly also, in learning contexts, where teachers have misused power to seduce, discourage, break confidence or convince young aspiring actors to give up acting. University students have also broken the silence about discrimination and misuse of power. The stories involve different forms of abuse, discrimination and harassment, but the common thread that runs through all these narratives is misuse of power on the basis of gender, age, status and power.

So, take your place in your life and claim what has been given to you, what is inherently yours. Initially, don’t worry about quality or quantity, just work at it, just engage and don’t fear the flow. Learn and practise and express your bodily sensations, emotions, thoughts, memories, doubts, inner conflicts, fears, and sensitivities, all that defines your humanness. Step out of boxes and tight containers. Get off the director’s couch. Study drama, learn the art of acting and then perform on a stage or in the street. Paint, sing, play a musical instrument, cook, study the stars, garden, sculpt, write, run, jump, delve into a topic and learn to your heart’s content even if the topic interests only a few. Safeguard your time, even if it’s a few hours a week, and your space, even if it’s only a table and a chair, and above all, protect and nurture your talent or skill or proclivity. Don’t let it go underground. Don’t let it get buried by societal debris. Don’t let it fossilize. Don’t stand by apathetically while it’s being shattered. It’s yours for the taking.

Don’t let it transform into panic and cognitive dissonance. Maria Papageorgiou, a Greek musician, who has documented her ten year experience with panic attacks says: “An anxiety attack is a small bell. There comes a time in your life when there is an imbalance within you. That is, you want two different things. And this manifests somatically. You sweat, some people cannot eat, some get dizzy, others feel numb, some faint, you’re out of breath, and simple everyday things seem very difficult. From drinking coffee with friends to driving or, even worse, to being exposed on stage. The strange thing is that there is no warning before it happens to you, and suddenly you enter a vortex, which creates a vicious circle of thoughts that does not allow you to “cleanse” your head and feel optimistic, instead you “shrink” and feel trapped. Like when you get claustrophobia in the elevator and you say “I have to get out of here”. You have to leave, but you don’t know where you want to leave from and what you want to leave.” (Η κρίση άγχους είναι καμπανάκι. Έρχεται κάποια στιγμή στη ζωή σου που υπάρχει μια ανισορροπία μέσα σου. Δηλαδή θέλεις δύο πράγματα διαφορετικά. Και σωματοποιείται. Παθαίνεις εφιδρώσεις, κάποιοι δεν μπορούν να φάνε, κάποιοι ζαλίζονται, άλλοι μουδιάζουν, κάποιοι λιποθυμούν, σου κόβεται η ανάσα και τα απλά καθημερινά πράγματα φαντάζουν πολύ δύσκολα. Από το να πιεις έναν καφέ με φίλους μέχρι το να οδηγήσεις ή, ακόμα χειρότερα, μέχρι να εκτεθείς στη σκηνή. Το περίεργο είναι ότι δεν υπάρχει προειδοποίηση πριν σου συμβεί και ξαφνικά μπαίνεις σε μια δίνη και σου δημιουργεί έναν φαύλο κύκλο σκέψεων που δεν σου επιτρέπει να «καθαρίσεις» το κεφάλι σου και να νιώσεις αισιοδοξία αλλά «μικραίνεις» και εγκλωβίζεσαι. Όπως παθαίνεις κλειστοφοβία στο ασανσέρ και λες «πρέπει να φύγω από δω». Πρέπει να φύγεις, αλλά δεν ξέρεις από πού θες να φύγεις και από τι θες να φύγεις…. Μαρία Παπαγεωργίου)

Frequently ask yourself questions about why you are resisting your desire or putting it off for some later time and what you fear most. Explore what might be stopping you in your tracks. Ask questions like: “Have I been killing anything that is alive within me— such as passions, feelings, longings, or creativity? Have I been allowing others or my own habits to take precious time, attention, or energy from me, against my true wishes? Have I been lying to myself about how much it costs me to live with dreams deferred for another month or year?” (Rick Hanson). If survival fear arises carry on with your job and simply carve out a safe spatiotemporal room of your own. You don’t need to commit to it full time until you’re ready and only if you want to. Do what it is you yearn to do for the sake of doing it with no conditions and strings attached to it. Do it and see where it leads you.

Finally, hang out with people that support your aspirations or timid steps and attempts. Protect and guard your aspirations, talents, space and time.  Do not let your desires be drowned by other’s sour intentions, agendas, fears, projections and stifled creativity. Do not let niceness get in the way of healthy assertiveness. Learn to set boundaries even with those you love, with family members and close friends and teachers.

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Part 3

Continued from the posts on relational trauma and the previous one on dissociation….. (Edited)

«Ότι μας κλώτσησε στο φως / είναι αυτοσχέδιος μηχανισμός / όπως το γέλιο ενός παιδιού / μια χαραμάδα πανικού….» Στίχοι: Χρήστος Θηβαίος

(abuse amnesia; ambient abuse; cognitive dissonance; gaslighting; triangulation; provocation and triggering; conditioning; violations of trust; misuse and abuse of power; simultaneous wounding; complex PTSD; narcissistic injury and rage; causality and compassion; nature and nurture; society, enculturation and the operation of outdated beliefs; cold empathy; empathy)

In her book Shahadi Arabi expands on the neurobiology of trauma and how we are both wired to bond with others, even those that hurt us, and deny or dissociate what hurts us. She uses the term abuse amnesia. She writes “Many of us suffer abuse amnesia because our brain creates defensive mechanisms in the form of disassociation to protect ourselves from the abuse we’re suffering, but to heal from trauma, we have to at some point address it…… Abuse amnesia {is} the victim’s tendency to suppress abusive memories after they have been chronically abused. The victim may even demonstrate a positive outlook on the abuser, repressing the trauma they’ve experienced due to their investment in their relationship, as well as trauma bonding created by intense, shared experiences…” This partial  disconnection to the totality of one’s reality or deeper underlying dynamics can also be attributed to simply not knowing all the facts, ignorance of red flags and what to be weary of in relationships, constantly doubting oneself and one’s perception, over trusting and over tolerance, and also, something termed as ambient abuse, which is the atmosphere of fear, anxiety and self-doubt created by covert intimidation often with no acts of traceable explicit abuse.

Cognitive dissonance (also related to the above) is a distressing mental state that occurs when we hold two conflicting beliefs at once. Arabi writes “In order to resolve this internal conflict, the individual has to look for reasons that one belief over the other is true. When an abuse victim meets his or her abuser, they often see the charming, loving façade in the early stages of the relationship. When abusers eventually unmask themselves and reveal their true ugliness, abuse victims struggle to reconcile the horrific abuse with the sweet, tender and seemingly compassionate person they first encountered at the beginning of the relationship. This may lead them to deny or minimize the abuse as a way to survive the reality they’re experiencing and resolve their cognitive dissonance……  It can take a great deal of time and effort before we can resolve the cognitive dissonance that this type of relationship evokes in us, as we are likely to develop conflicting beliefs, feelings and thoughts about an abusive partner who can switch masks so rapidly (Carver, 2004).” Resolving  cognitive dissonance involves seeing the bigger picture and coming to terms with the truth rather than engaging in denial, minimization or rationalization. Cognitive dissonance further exacerbates complex-PTSD symptomatology; so, the capacity to ground ourselves in the totality of our reality takes time and requires a grieving process and some level of healing. It also requires knowledge; however, while knowledge is power, until one can deal with their subconscious wounds, it is difficult to end manipulation or abuse or to create significant changes. Knowledge must be combined with behavioral changes, which need to be supported by healing on the level of these wounds.

Continued…Read more