A work in process, situatedness of experience and metaphors….

‘If the past is a core of who we are, then our movement in time always brings us into a new relation to that core’.   (Touchstone Anthology of Contemporary Creative Nonfiction: Work from 1970 to the Present, 2007)

To begin with, all human experience is embodied and situated in context. Within this perspective it is assumed that my artwork and writing, like all experience, is situated in time and place. Whatever I write or draw and create is always the result of my understanding and capacity to process and express experience in that particular context. Also, as one revisits and reprocesses material and memories, one’s understanding of events and of the underlying dynamics and broader contexts of these experiences is altered. Those who have embarked on the long and difficult journey of healing and understanding, know that this is not a quick, straightforward or easy process and that it requires one to shed denial, fears and distortions, in order to reach a place of deeper knowing and empowerment, In fact it is an ongoing process of exploring the multiple aspects of past and current experience, while understanding that ‘the past is not static, or ever truly complete; as we age we see from new positions, shifting angles’ (Touchstone Anthology of Contemporary Creative Nonfiction: Work from 1970 to the Present, 2007). Hopefully, this journey of exploration and self discovery allows us to gradually discern through memory distortions, elaborations and psychological mechanisms. It further allows us to see through lies, often deliberately created by those that hurt us. Ultimately, it allows change and empowerment that comes through knowing, through dealing with painful emotional experiences, through releasing grief and confronting losses but also through recognition of cues and triggers that sabotage our well-being and safety.

Secondly, the artwork posted below involves a reprocessing of experiences and art that I had worked on in 2006 using ink, a whole different process all together. In particular, the Russian nesting dolls theme and images used here (and in other past drawings) refer to memory processes and my quest for clarity and deeper knowing. I often return to the nesting dolls metaphor because I find it very useful and illustrative of (traumatic) memory processes. The tiny solid doll in the centre represents the kernel of the memory, the facts, the dynamics, the reasons and the deepest knowing, and then each nesting doll represents the various versions of the story, the distortions and elaborations, the earlier interpretations and conclusions, which may all be the result of the way the mind and memory work, the result of our defenses against trauma and assault or in the case of more severe interpersonal trauma the result of deliberate, sophisticated procedures that perpetrators engage in, in order to create amnesiac barriers to protect what must not be remembered. The nesting dolls metaphor depicts the layers and layers of memories and mental processes one has to pick through to reach deeper knowing and insight. One could view it as the representation of non integrated aspects of a memory and /or each doll could represent a different aspect of a memory (like emotions, sensations, the actual incident, the context, etc). So for me, nesting dolls seem to also be an appropriate metaphor of one’s quest for the truth and deeper knowing. However, the nesting dolls theme could carry different meanings for different individuals depending on their experience and expertise. They could also represent many other things that may not be linked to memory. Furthermore, they may trigger diverse and perhaps conflicting ideas, thoughts or emotions depending on one’s experience and outlook on life, because all our meaning making, like all our experience, is situated. For instance, in a lecture on interpersonal neurobiology, Alan Schore (2013), mentioned that ‘the lateralized self system represents a nested system, with an outer, later developing orbitofrontal-limbic regulated core, an inner earlier developing cingulated-limbic regulating core, and an earliest evolving amygdala-limbic regulated core that lies deepest within, like nested Russian dolls’. The nesting dolls metaphor could also refer to concepts like the inner child or to the search for one’s true self or it could illustrate a secret buried under layers of lies and defenses. Actually, while writing this I got a bit curious about the origins of nesting dolls, so I googled them and read that they were initially crafted in China as back as 1000 AD and not in Russia, which they are mostly associated with. Specifically, the Chinese initially crafted nesting boxes, which were both functional and decorative. I also read that in the 1700s the tinniest doll in the centre held a grain of rice, which must have had some meaning attached to it. Soon after the dolls were crafted in Japan, where they looked like the seven lucky gods from the local mythology. For instance, the outer doll represented the god of longevity and happiness. Again here it is easy to understand how cultural context may influence both our use and understanding of metaphors and images. The dolls reached Russia later, probably in the 1890s. It is believed that Sergei Maliutin was commissioned to create the first Russian set. These Russian wooden dolls are called ‘Matryoshka’, which was a very popular female name derived from the Latin root ‘mater’ which means ‘mother’. I read that this name was associated with the image of a mother of a big family who was healthy and had a portly figure like the nesting dolls. Subsequently, it became a symbolic name and was used to describe these pretty brightly painted nesting dolls. After reading this I realised that nested dolls could be used as a metaphor for motherhood and fertility, as well. As mentioned above all our human experience and understanding of everything is embodied and embedded in our time and socio-cultural context. Our meaning making is never out of context. We can never escape this. Therefore, I think interpretations are only valid in terms of what they say or reveal about the person making the interpretation. Attempting to interpret someone else’s artwork is helpful because of what one might understand about oneself in relation to their own experience and intentions… Hence, exploring our reactions, emotional responses, thoughts and meaning making as we interact with our own art or other people’s work is a more meaningful approach. Creating and then exploring our own art can become a springboard for self-understanding, emotional change and growth. Each time we return to our own artwork we find new meanings and when we interact with other’s artwork we can attach our own stories and personal meanings to the images, and thus, ultimately understand more about ourselves.

Finally, I would like to mention that this site is a work in process, which is inevitable because a shift occurs in our views and opinions as we move on in life, age, fight battles, change and grow, learn and understand more. Additionally, as one processes trauma and experiences one’s evaluation and understanding of available relevant material also increases and changes. Therefore, it is natural for material and references to be removed or added at times. It is also important to mention that I refer to ideas and findings that I think are interesting and/ or useful for me or people who are on similar journeys or have similar interests; however, I think that survivors of trauma are the best experts of their experience and should explore what may be useful or appropriate or even safe for them each time. Personally, I have found through error and trial that it is more helpful to be a selective consumer of trauma related material and that it is necessary to be open, but also, cautious, selective and critical of material that is available online or in book stores. It is important to bear in mind that what may seem wise or valid at a certain point in time may become outdated through our deeper and broader knowledge of a topic or area. Furthermore, I believe that learning and knowledge is vital for survivors as it highly facilitates their journey; however, ultimately, apart from critical thinking and acquisition of relevant knowledge the most important prerequisites for healing, empowerment and ending victimization and manipulation are awareness of what sets off unhelpful responses and a safe enough and ‘trigger free’ environment (to the extent that this is possible). Deeper understanding and recovery from injustices and severe trauma is highly facilitated by processing and knowing what and who triggers unhelpful and self sabotaging responses. So material, approaches, activities and experiences that may be helpful and positive for one person may not serve another at a particular phase or context in their journey.

Tonya Alexandri- January, 2015

Iatrogenic creation of pre-established responses