Gratitude
“Gratitude is like breathing in – letting ourselves be touched by the goodness in others and in our world. Generosity is like breathing out – sensing our mutual belonging and offering our care. When we are awake and whole, breathing in and out happens naturally. But these beautiful expressions of our heart become blocked when we are dominated by the fear and grasping of our survival brain.” Tara Brach
“Try taking refuge in gratitude … Your brain is shaped by your experiences, which are shaped by what you attend to. With mindfulness, you can rest your attention on experiences of psychological resources such as compassion and gratitude, and hardwire them into your nervous system.” Rick Hanson
“Looking out over the evening skyscape, I felt some of what Joseph Campbell must have when he spoke of feeling “a certain tenderness toward the lovely gift of light, a gentle gratitude for things made visible.” Diane Ackerman – 2011
Today’s post is about gratitude. Gratitude involves a giver offering a gift and a receiver of this gift. Emmons says that in order for gratitude to exist, the giver must act intentionally and the person receiving the gift needs to acknowledge it as something good that was freely bestowed out of compassion, generosity, or love. A clear understanding of gratitude is important because like hope and other experiences there can be a potential “shadow side”. For instance, in their article, The Meaning and Valence of Gratitude in Positive Psychology, Liz Gulliford and Blaire Morgan write that we need to be mindful of the ‘triadic’ model (benefactor, benefit and beneficiary) because it only represents one understanding of gratitude. They believe that gratitude interventions should incorporate the educational task of promoting “virtue literacy” regarding gratitude as a potential virtue; an understanding of what gratitude is, why it might be a desirable quality to cultivate and when it is appropriate. Emmons writes that “gratitude engages at least three different aspects of the mind. We intellectually recognize the benefit, we willingly acknowledge this benefit, and we emotionally appreciate both the gift and the giver. The term “gift” is important in this context because gifts are unearned, things we are not owed by the giver and to which we are not entitled.” So, there is a distinction between this kind of experience and other transactions and exchanges even though we may be thankful for these experiences, too. I will provide a simple personal example to somehow clarify this. When I worked as a teacher I exchanged teaching services for tuition fees. There was an exchange there, a mutual respect of a certain contract between two parties. However, beyond that a different give and take took place that opened up a space where the experience of gratitude could emerge. I offered many additional teaching hours and material during exams and end of terms that were not part of our agreement. This effort and time was an offering based on good intentions and generosity. My students on the other hand often brought me little gifts, flowers and thank you cards as expressions of their gratitude.
Generally, in many papers gratitude was consistently correlated with greater happiness and increased levels of resilience during difficult times, with ripple effects in many areas of our life. In his book, Resilience, Rick Hanson writes that “Gratitude and other positive emotions have many important benefits. They support physical health by strengthening the immune system and protecting the cardiovascular system. They help us recover from loss and trauma. They widen the perceptual field and help us see the big picture and the opportunities in it; they encourage ambition. And they connect people together.” In his book: The Little Book of Gratitude: Create a Life of Happiness and Wellbeing by Giving Thanks, Robert Emmons also suggests that as we create gratitude, a positive ripple effect is generated through every area of our lives, our pursuit of better relationships, and our quest for inner peace, health, wholeness, and contentment.
Skimming through a variety of research papers one reads that there is a link between gratitude and positive emotions and enhancement of interpersonal and social relationships. Awareness and expression of gratitude have been associated with measures of well-being and gratitude is linked to positive affective and pro-social traits. Some research points to the role of gratitude as a significant component of relationship building and maintenance of bonding in human communities. Emiliana Simon-Thomas says, “Experiences that heighten meaningful connections with others— like noticing how another person has helped you, acknowledging the effort it took, and savoring how you benefited from it— engage biological systems for trust and affection, alongside circuits for pleasure and reward. This provides a synergistic and enduring boost to the positive experience. Saying ‘thank you’ to a person, your brain registers that something good has happened and that you are more richly enmeshed in a meaningful social community” (cited in Dan Siegel’s book Aware). It seems that gratitude or the lack of it impacts our relatedness at a personal and collective level. As Emmons says: “Human relationships would unravel without gratitude…… It is the thread that stitches us together. Each act of gratitude contributes to the overall patchwork but these threads are frail. Ingratitude, forgetfulness, resentment, entitlement are forces that weaken and can ultimately unravel the fabric. However, it can be strengthened in some proven, effective ways that allow us to reap the rewards of grateful living.”
Research on the felt and subjective experience of gratitude suggests that gratitude enhances feelings of connectedness and influences the boundaries that define relationships. Specifically, it was found that boundaries between self and other were reduced, softened, or attenuated and that there was a shift of emphasis from the receipt of a gift to the value and significance of the relationship with the gift-giver. Participants in studies claimed that they felt seen and they used emotions like: love, joy, happiness, peace, safety, release, freedom, lightness, to describe their experiences of feeling grateful. When describing the felt sense participants identified the feeling of gratitude as occurring in the thoracic area, reported a rush of warmth in various parts of the body or a feeling of warmth in the entire body. These experiences seem to be associated with the part of the parasympathetic nervous system that allows for a soothing effect. Another interesting finding was that participants described experiences of becoming more present and alert, more awake and hopeful. Kerry Howells whose work focuses on the importance of gratitude in education claims that gratitude awakens us and facilitates learning: “when we thank while we think, we think in a more engaged way.”
At the molecular level, gratitude is associated with oxytocin and with the release of dopamine and serotonin, which contribute positively to enhanced mood and motivation. Feelings of gratitude activate the limbic system that includes the hypothalamus and amygdala, which play a big role in regulating our emotions, memory, and endocrine function. Emmons cites research results to support the benefits of gratitude in the physical realm. For instance, keeping a gratitude diary for two weeks produced reductions in perceived stress (28 per cent) and depression (16 per cent) in health-care practitioners. Gratitude was also related to 23 per cent lower levels of stress hormones (cortisol). Writing a letter of gratitude reduced feelings of hopelessness in 88 per cent of suicidal inpatients and increased levels of optimism in 94 per cent of them. Gratitude is related to a 10 per cent improvement in sleep quality in patients with chronic pain, and so on. However, as suggested in the book the effects of gratitude are not limited to the physical realm. Summarily, research suggests that gratitude increases self-esteem, enhances willpower, strengthens relationships, deepens spirituality, boosts creativity, and improves athletic and academic performance.
It has also been suggested that gratitude is our best weapon to counter the constant drip of negativity in our contemporary societies. Emmons writes: “Gratitude rescues us from thieves that derail our opportunity for happiness, and gets us back on track to contentment and inner peace.” He also advises against feeling envious and comparing ourselves with those whom we perceive as having more advantages because this often leads to insecurity, increased anxiety and unhappiness. In his book, The Broken Ladder: How Inequality Changes the Way We Think, Live and Die, Keith Payne, PhD, believes that we can exert more control over how we compare. First, we need to be mindful enough to recognize when we are in the grips of it, and second, to choose wisely what kind of comparison is relevant and useful. According to Payne the idea is not to stop comparing, but to compare more wisely because different types of comparisons have different effects. He distinguishes two types of comparison, upward comparisons, which make us feel poorer, less talented, and needier, and downward comparisons, which involves thinking about others who are less fortunate in order to feel better by comparison because as he explains downward comparisons are not only the source of smug pride; they can also be a source of gratitude. He writes: “The key is to be aware that, under different circumstances or as the result of an unexpected change in fortune, you could have been less fortunate, too.” The risk of downward comparisons is complacency and upward comparisons, can inspire us to work harder and achieve more, only if we believe that our targets are realistic. He writes “Comparing ourselves to the Albert Einsteins and Michael Jordans of the world just makes us feel miserable and demotivated.”
Gratitude can also influence our evaluation of the past and how we construct our life narrative. Emmons writes that “when we respond to our lives, our past as well as events in the present, from a point of view of gratitude and appreciation, the way we interpret our experiences begins to shift and soften as we begin to soften inside.” Studies mentioned in Emmons’ book have shown that when writing about past losses or negative events from a grateful perspective participants reported feeling more closure and less unhappiness than those who didn’t write about their experience from a grateful perspective. We may not be able to always do this and not all past losses or painful experiences can be viewed this way, but often there might be certain outcomes that we could eventually, and after a lot of processing and coming to terms with, be thankful for. A serious violation, injustice or loss can lead to clarity and reclaiming of things important to us. Some losses create time and space for waking up, learning, boundary setting, growth and change…. So, I think it is important to distinguish the adversity or injustice from any potential positive outcomes. It is also important to be able to discern and attend to the good things in life alongside the adversities. This process leads to a more integrated life narrative and an owning of the totality of our life. An example that comes to mind might be friends’ betrayal. Embracing the good moments, as well as, the bad helps us to bring about balance and integration, make new meaning, and also, reclaim the past goodness in our life. Through embracing it all we embrace the totality of our life and self. Also, while it is important in the midst of adversity to not deny reality, feeling gratitude for something outside the adversity can build up resilience, decrease stress and help us see the bigger picture like the societal dynamics that supported events or the belief systems underlying particular behaviours and so on.
Some questions to journal or reflect on suggested in Emmon’s book are:
What kinds of things do you now feel grateful for? What personal strengths have grown out of your experience? How has the event made you better able to meet the challenges of the future? How has it put your life into perspective?
Emmons also touches upon existing myths or misconceptions about gratitude. One of these myths is that gratitude leads to complacency and passivity, and de-motivates us to improve our lot in life or challenge the status quo, which he claims is not necessarily true. Studies have shown that consistent gratitude practices, for instance, result in feeling more energetic, alive and alert, and also, that gratitude inspires good-neighbourly behaviour, generosity, compassion, charitable giving. What I also found interesting is his reference to gratitude metaphors that inspire and drive personal change, encouraging us to go deeper into grateful living. He writes: “Lock and key metaphors are especially common. Gratitude has been referred to as “the key that opens all doors”, that which “unlocks the fullness of life”, and the “key to abundance, prosperity, and fulfillment.”
I will end this post today with Oliver Sacks, a British neurologist, naturalist, historian of science, and writer. The reason I’ve chosen to end this post with Sack’s words is because they reflect the preciousness of the gift of life and the uniqueness of everybody’s life and all sentient beings’ life on this beautiful planet.
In the first essay in his book Gratitude, which he wrote during the last two years of his life while he was facing aging, serious illness and fear of dying, he writes: “At nearly eighty, with a scattering of medical and surgical problems, none disabling, I feel glad to be alive—“I’m glad I’m not dead!” sometimes bursts out of me when the weather is perfect….. Perhaps, with luck, I will make it, more or less intact, for another few years and be granted the liberty to continue to love and work, the two most important things, Freud insisted, in life………
In his second essay, “My Own Life”, which he wrote when his health had deteriorated and he was face to face with dying, he says: “It is up to me now to choose how to live out the months that remain to me. I have to live in the richest, deepest, most productive way I can…. I have been increasingly conscious, for the last ten years or so, of deaths among my contemporaries. My generation is on the way out, and each death I have felt as an abruption, a tearing away of part of myself. There will be no one like us when we are gone, but then there is no one like anyone else, ever. When people die, they cannot be replaced. They leave holes that cannot be filled, for it is the fate— the genetic and neural fate— of every human being to be a unique individual, to find his own path, to live his own life, to die his own death…. I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved; I have been given much and I have given something in return; I have read and traveled and thought and written. I have had an intercourse with the world, the special intercourse of writers and readers. Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.”